For When Your Mama-Heart Feels Broken

I remember the first Valentine’s Day after losing my brother to suicide (a story I'll share another time). The kids and I were making heart-shaped sugar cookies and one of them broke into pieces. I remember feeling like that cookie; broken beyond repair.

It was hard for me to be a wife and mom during that time. I just wanted to curl up in a ball. I felt guilty, angry, anxious and incredibly sad. My feelings were choking the life out of me, and without me even realizing it or meaning to, they were choking the life out of my little family too.

For good or otherwise, mothers set the tone in the home. One of our most important jobs is for us to build connections and form deep relationships with our kids. But how can we do this feeling hollow and empty inside? A broken heart makes filling into others so difficult.

I know I’m not the only mama who has felt herself drowning in feelings at one time or another, so today I thought we could have a heart-to-heart about finding healing for a broken heart. 

The Bible has a lot to say about this little organ that does more than just pump blood through our bodies. The book of Proverbs tells us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”. The Bible has long known what science is now able to prove - that the heart has its own little brain that actually communicates with and influences our thoughts and decisions. What we think and do impacts our emotions, and our emotions influence what we think and do. God made our bodies, minds and hearts to work together. It's a dance of collaboration and coordination far beyond our understanding. 

HeartMath Institute has discovered some fascinating things about the heart. The information in the video below may seem a bit New Agey, but stay with me while I share how God is a part of it.

Sometimes science is hard to slog through (although so important for us to understand), so thought I would share the three things most meaningful and useful to me that I found as I read through an overview of HeartMath's research. 

• Stressful emotions (such as anger, overwhelm, worry, frustration or fear) are depleting and create an erratic and disordered heart rate variability pattern. This pattern disrupts communication between the heart and brain and limits our ability to think clearly, remember and use our reasoning, which often causes rash and thoughtless decisions.
• Positive emotions (such as love, joy, forgiveness, caring and kindness) are renewing and calm and stabilize the heart rate pattern. This stabilizing pattern improves communication between the heart and brain which leads to more wise and thoughtful choices and behavior. Coherent heart rate patterns positively influence our problem-solving abilities, which leads to a more peace-filled, thriving life.
• And here is another amazing fact. “Your heart emits an electromagnetic field that changes according to your emotions.” Others can pick up the quality of your emotions through the electromagnetic energy radiating from your heart.” Our hearts talk with other hearts up to three to six feet away from each other! Just think about what this means when we hug our kids, what our hearts are communicating as they are mere inches apart. Also, have you ever walked into the room and felt the tension? This is why people say you can choose to be a thermometer or a thermostat. You can either be a thermometer and notice and/or acclimate to the temperature in the room (what all the other hearts are feeling and radiating/sharing with each other) or you can be a thermostat and set and change the temperature by quieting and elevating others with uplifting feelings like love, kindness and joy. 

As a wife and mom, this has a significant impact on my family. They are all influenced by me; by my mood, my tone of voice and my body language. Along with mirror neurons in their brain, their hearts pick up on the emotions emitting from my heart, even when I think I'm hiding them.

But we can't fake it. Based on the findings I've shared, we can't shove our feelings deep into our hearts and hide them. Our hearts aren't good secret keepers. So when I start to get frustrated, down or overwhelmed by circumstances, I have a choice to make. I can stay frustrated, sad or overwhelmed (which spirals downward quickly) or I can choose to do these three things: bend low, lean in and look up. Unfortunately, I don't always make the right choice (just ask my family), but when I do, this is what it looks like. 

I've found pride seems to be at the root of many of my depleting emotions, so the first thing I do is BEND LOW and ask for forgiveness for my mistrust. I admit to God (and remind myself) that He is God and I am not; that He sees the whole picture and knows best, and I do not. Prov 3:5-6 says to, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." 

I spend time reading my Bible and ask Jesus to “Create in me a pure heart (Psalm 51:10). Usually when I get overwhelmed or upset, it’s because something is out of order in my heart. I’ve put something else (relationships, success, achievements, money, comfort) above God. Psalm 139:23, 24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” 

Next, I LEAN IN and face and process whatever painful or hurtful emotions I’m experiencing in the presence of Christ. I take my depleting emotions, and instead of shoving them down deep or holding them too close, I put them in the hand of Jesus, the One who fearfully and wonderfully made me and all of my emotions (a journal is a helpful tool here). Jesus helps me identify and better understand my feelings and then He transforms them. Proverbs 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds". 

This sermon series by Timothy Keller, about what to do with our feelings, is one I highly recommend. These sermons articulated what my heart knew to be true, but that I wasn't able to find words for.

Next I take advantage of the way God designed our hearts and spend a few minutes using a HeartMath technique created to integrate the heart and mind, called HeartMath's Quick Coherence Technique (which I’ve renamed for myself, God-Heart Coherence). God is the Creator of our hearts and knows them best, so I've inserted God into these steps where I believe He belongs. Again, the steps may seem New Agey and a bit hokey, but they really do help, especially when you connect them to God. I’ve made a bookmark to share with anyone interested (feel free to download here). There is also a sensor you can purchase to use with an app that helps you see if your heart and brain are connected by showing you your heart rate variability pattern (stable vs chaotic). The kids and I have found this tool helpful. (Disclaimer - I am not being paid in any way by HeartMath Institute for sharing their information, technique or tool.)

And finally, I LOOK UP in wonder and adoration. I praise and worship by focusing on the cross. Tim Keller writes, “Change happens not only by giving your mind new truths — though it does involve that — but also by feeding the imagination new beauties so you love Jesus supremely. We change when we change what we worship the most. How do we do that? By seeing that Jesus’ own heart was crushed and broken as he died on the Cross for us (Psalm 22:14). It is as we worship a crucified Savior that our hearts are transformed.” 

Isn’t this what Valentine’s Day is truly about? We've become numb to the story of Gethsemane and the cross; we've heard it so many times that it doesn't move us anymore like it should. But I find when I put myself into the story, that my heart breaks open and I'm able to see everything, my God, myself, my circumstances, and others, in a whole new way.

The cross uproots the lie that Satan has had us believing since the Garden of Eden. We can trust Jesus. He does love us! It’s when we linger here at the foot of the cross that we begin to understand that we are more flawed and broken then we ever dared believe, yet more incredibly loved and accepted than we ever dared hope (Timothy Keller). It's so important for us to preach this to our hearts; to worship this into our hearts until they break and we become overwhelmed, not by our feelings, but by what He did for us! It's His love that will ultimately heal our broken hearts.

Along with good sleep, healthy eating, plenty of exercise and time outside, bending low, leaning in and looking up help to steady me and re-align my will with Jesus’. It's only when I am filled with Him, that I can overflow into my husband and kids. Ultimately, these steps make for a happier and healthier mama; one who is able to better connect and create more joy-filled moments and a more peace-filled home. My prayers go with you....

*Please note: these steps are not a replacement for therapy. To find a Christian therapist in your area, visit The American Association of Christian Counselors